watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
