If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
