can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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