Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
