I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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