Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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