I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
