I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
