I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
