I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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