Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
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what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize