We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize