i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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