he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
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Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.