Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though