He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried