Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
