2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
