you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
