So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
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I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
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Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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