I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
