I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
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I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
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I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
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