Who did Billy Mays play for?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
