Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You dont lie about slip and slides
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
