I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
