Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.