My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
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we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
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Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.