Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30