come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
