She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.