I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here