sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
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The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
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Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Is this like a preordered booty call?