One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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