I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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