She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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