dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he was CRYING into my vagina
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
