i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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