those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
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Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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