yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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