hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
