i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
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I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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