i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
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The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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