Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one