Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
