dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
