It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
