Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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