he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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