whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.