He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.