I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
