just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
smell my finger.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
