I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
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I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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