You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
