Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
