i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
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all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
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just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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